This post has been a long time coming, but the irony is that I don’t truly have time (or make time) to sit and write the way I used to. Just one of the million ways motherhood has changed who I am and what I do. If I can be prepping food for the family, cleaning something (because with a toddler and a large dog, there’s always cleaning to be done) or something that is more productive and helpful for my family, that is the priority over most things. But today, I thought I would sit in my cozy bed and write to you, my friends and my audience that have been by my side for years and years. Or if you are stumbling upon this and my page for the first time, then welcome!
You can read about my difficult pregnancy, even more shocking birth story, and immediate postpartum issues as I wrote through those thoughts but I haven’t yet put down into words the complexities of motherhood 1.5+ years into it. Nadia just turned 21 months yesterday (that means she’ll be two years old in just three months….!) And I’m sitting back and reflecting on how I’ve changed as a person. The things that mattered to me before she was born – like how clean my house is, going to the newest restaurant, sticking to my 45 minute HIIT routine 5x a week – well those things stopped mattering. Whether that is right or wrong, I don’t know. All I know is that this short season of life as a mother to a toddler, is that exactly – SHORT. She will never be this little again.
The days are loooong – and when I catch myself counting how long it is until her nap time and immediately feel the guilt of that – I correct myself. I’m not trying to kill time because things are difficult. I’m trying to spend time the best I can for my daughter to learn, grow, develop and explore her creative mind and abilities. Oh the intricacies of motherhood. Do I wish I could make every fun media event, get back to my strongest shape (which ironically happened right before we conceived) and have more me time in general? Yes, of course. But that’s how motherhood changed me. I can’t really be selfish these days – and that’s a good thing. How sanctifying is that? Your attention to yourself is minimized, and that opens up your eyes to so much more life around you. It’s actually quite beautiful.
Even with work – I’m not as upset as I used to be if a potential gig doesn’t happen or if a partnership falls through. Because for me, that means more time to spend with my little one. At the park, reading books, sharing food, sharing life! And I realize how fortunate I am – that my husband is so hard working, so supportive, and gives me the opportunity to be the mom I’ve always dreamt of being. For me, I can’t imagine putting her in daycare at this moment in time, because that isn’t my goal or my desire. If it is yours, then that’s great and I hope you have that opportunity to do it. But that’s what’s so great about motherhood – you are doing your best for you and your family. And that looks different for everyone. IF you want to advance your career and put your child in daycare so you can do that, then I’ll cheer you on. OR if you’re like me and have the tremendous opportunity to stay home then I’m happy for you too! I will say it has been challenging to work part time and parent full time – but that’s what my husband and I have chosen. And I like to think it’s what’s best and what’s right for us.
It’s kind of hilarious how there are so many books about pregnancy and what to do in the baby’s first year of life but not much on general motherhood. What options you have, what others have done, what resources there are, etc. All you really have is your own experience to compare to. I’m lucky that I have a very involved mom who taught me a lot – both things I want to do as a mom and things I want to avoid – which are equally important to me.
Oh and don’t get me started on my breastfeeding journey. I breastfed for 18+ months and it was nothing short of a miraculous victory. More on that another time. Motherhood is just layer after layer, isn’t it?
Being a first time mom is a lot like becoming a CEO for a corporation that you know nothing about. Most of the time you are winging it. But with a whole lot of incomprehensible, unconditional, unwavering love.
To every mom out there doing their best – I see you, and I’m with you.
